Ok, it's been a month since my blog post. Not to mention that is has been six months since my goal setting over Samhain.
1. Physical -- My wounds are much improved, and my overall physical condition a lot better. I am still a ways from walking a mile, but I am getting closer to that. I've lost 30+ pounds since January. Progress! I will be attending the VA's MOVE! program classes this month. Goal weight? Short term 400. Long term? the weight that I am healthiest at. Diabetes SGLs have been very good, with a spike 1-2 times a week. Stretch goal: By the end of the year, maintain a 7 / 21 / 30 day average SGL of 105.
2. Emotional -- This area took a big jolt when Jameece and I broke up three months ago. I had a few spectacular setbacks (the first month after the breakup was very tough), an equally spectacular success (meeting Nancy) and a lot of quiet victories. This area got a lot of focus, especially the last three months, and that focus has paid off: I am a lot more on top of the anger issues than I was in October. I've stopped beating myself up over setbacks. I have gotten professional help and meds. My mood is a lot more level, with far fewer "snaps." My stretch goal for the rest of the year: to go one full calendar month without a single "snap." Good progress.
3. Socialization -- I have gamed a bit less, mostly because I've been focusing on the emotional stuff. Nancy and I have A Plan™ to help out with the birth family. My solo attempts have been focussed on my parents, who have rejected every attempt I have made to communicate with them. Results not as positive as I'd hoped, but not for want of effort.
4. Reading -- Fresno's excuse for a library did not have the books I wanted to read. Again, focus on my emotional stuff has kept me from putting more effort in here.
On balance, a good report card.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Blog, Meet Nancy!
Nancy is my new girlfriend. We met in early March on the dating site OK Cupid! and hit it off immediately. Within a week we met here in Fresno, within another week we were planning to move in together at her place in Merced in June.
We've had four visits so far, all of which have been mind blowing. We are crazy in love with one another.
It has been a bit surreal at times with both Jameece and I entertaining our respective SOs on opposite ends of the home J and I still share. I am still here because Jameece and I have some mutual debts to deal with before I head off to my new life with Nancy.
We've had four visits so far, all of which have been mind blowing. We are crazy in love with one another.
It has been a bit surreal at times with both Jameece and I entertaining our respective SOs on opposite ends of the home J and I still share. I am still here because Jameece and I have some mutual debts to deal with before I head off to my new life with Nancy.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Healing Means Feeling
Things are starting to get better for me.
1. I am blessed to live in a community with one of the top VA healthcare facilities in the US. For that reason above any other, I am staying in Fresno for the foreseeable future. I have experienced discontinuity of care in the past, and moving out of Fresno at this time would compromise my healthcare. I cannot afford that.
2. I am starting to turn the corner emotionally. I got a lot of help from my friends. Even my former has been helpful. We remain friends; it's awkward at times and she is doing her best to help me. I will always love her, because love never dies unless it is killed. It simply changes in form. I've also gotten professional help -- medications and CBT. While my turnaround seemed to commence within a day of starting on medication, it is well known that psych drugs can take time to work.
Something else changed at about the same time. I started reading a great website called Tinybuddah. Not only that, I started taking the advice seriously and applying it. I've disinvested in my pain. I still feel it, because in order to get rid of any emotion, you have to feel it in full. Holding it all in lets it build to the point of explosion, which was what I was doing so wrongly for so long. However, I do not hold onto it anymore. I let it go as quickly as I can and immediately refocus in something outside myself. Second, I'm living in the moment. I cannot worry about the future beyond what is in front of me right now and I cannot live in the past, no matter how much I might want to bring it back.
More when I am not feeling so poorly physically.
1. I am blessed to live in a community with one of the top VA healthcare facilities in the US. For that reason above any other, I am staying in Fresno for the foreseeable future. I have experienced discontinuity of care in the past, and moving out of Fresno at this time would compromise my healthcare. I cannot afford that.
2. I am starting to turn the corner emotionally. I got a lot of help from my friends. Even my former has been helpful. We remain friends; it's awkward at times and she is doing her best to help me. I will always love her, because love never dies unless it is killed. It simply changes in form. I've also gotten professional help -- medications and CBT. While my turnaround seemed to commence within a day of starting on medication, it is well known that psych drugs can take time to work.
Something else changed at about the same time. I started reading a great website called Tinybuddah. Not only that, I started taking the advice seriously and applying it. I've disinvested in my pain. I still feel it, because in order to get rid of any emotion, you have to feel it in full. Holding it all in lets it build to the point of explosion, which was what I was doing so wrongly for so long. However, I do not hold onto it anymore. I let it go as quickly as I can and immediately refocus in something outside myself. Second, I'm living in the moment. I cannot worry about the future beyond what is in front of me right now and I cannot live in the past, no matter how much I might want to bring it back.
More when I am not feeling so poorly physically.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
I know.
For all of you romantics out there . . . who know with transcendental certainty, that your soul's mate is out there. For me, as well . . . as I search for a better relationship with the guy in my mirror. I know I'm out there, somewhere, somewhere, somewhere.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
RichO, The Hall of Heroes and a Debt of Honor.
A word about my experiences in the VA Healthcare System here in Central California.
VA is very different from every other hospital I've ever been to. If only one word can describe the difference between VA and, say, Kaiser, it has to be "sanctity."
How is VA a sacred space? Think of a Valhalla for the living, a place for the brave who faced our nation's enemies in war and emerged alive, if even barely. Or, in a twist on a historical model, a Hospitaller order like the Knights of Malta, founded for the knights of the realm instead of by them.
While every hospital carries an aura of sanctity to my eyes because the art of Healing is beloved of Goddess, there is something else entirely in the air at VA. And that something made me uneasy.
The root of my unease lies in my life story. My military service was a very brief peacetime stint. I left the service under honorable but involuntary conditions, a medical discharge for inability to control my weight. I emerged from that service with limbs and mind more or less intact. I gave my oath -- as every serviceman does --and kept that oath.
However, did I truly give enough to earn a place in this hall of heroes? Do I profane this hallowed ground by claiming a place here even when "the rules" say I am really a member of the lodge?
These are the kinds of questions a man asks himself in the dark hours, when it's just him and his soul, one on one. Nowhere to run, Ego. Id, nowhere to hide. Bald, naked no holds barred self-honesty. Not a thirst for martyrdom, not at all. Not me beating myself up for the sheer joys of habitual self abuse. I can be self-honest without self loathing.
Can I go there for care and still live up to the man I'd like to think I am? Can I walk among my fellow vets without feeling like a poseur?
The answers cannot merely be practicalities like "Dude, you need the care, you qualify and it is there!"
How DARE you take resources away from those vets who suffered and bled for America when you did not?
Like I said, brutal self-examination. My self critic was on a bit of a roll.
I resisted going to VA for care for a long time. I did not understand consciously until the other day the reason why. I was agreeing with my rather brutal self critic. Not the wisest thing to do.
These reasons don't fly in the world of practicalities. They are reasons of the soul.
When I brought this up to a VA counselor, he had this to say to me:
After I presented my Form DD214N, documenting my service, I was welcomed and treated with the same dignity and professionalism as the visibly wounded warriors. In some ways the standard of care is much higher here.
I do not want any reader to get the impression that I was in any way dissatisfied with the care I received at Kaiser. Quite the contrary. Kaiser kept me alive for a long time. It's a matter of coverage.
So now every visit to the doctor is something extra. It is a visit to a Hall of Heroes, among brethren and sistren.
How is VA a sacred space? Think of a Valhalla for the living, a place for the brave who faced our nation's enemies in war and emerged alive, if even barely. Or, in a twist on a historical model, a Hospitaller order like the Knights of Malta, founded for the knights of the realm instead of by them.
While every hospital carries an aura of sanctity to my eyes because the art of Healing is beloved of Goddess, there is something else entirely in the air at VA. And that something made me uneasy.
The root of my unease lies in my life story. My military service was a very brief peacetime stint. I left the service under honorable but involuntary conditions, a medical discharge for inability to control my weight. I emerged from that service with limbs and mind more or less intact. I gave my oath -- as every serviceman does --and kept that oath.
However, did I truly give enough to earn a place in this hall of heroes? Do I profane this hallowed ground by claiming a place here even when "the rules" say I am really a member of the lodge?
These are the kinds of questions a man asks himself in the dark hours, when it's just him and his soul, one on one. Nowhere to run, Ego. Id, nowhere to hide. Bald, naked no holds barred self-honesty. Not a thirst for martyrdom, not at all. Not me beating myself up for the sheer joys of habitual self abuse. I can be self-honest without self loathing.
Can I go there for care and still live up to the man I'd like to think I am? Can I walk among my fellow vets without feeling like a poseur?
The answers cannot merely be practicalities like "Dude, you need the care, you qualify and it is there!"
How DARE you take resources away from those vets who suffered and bled for America when you did not?
Like I said, brutal self-examination. My self critic was on a bit of a roll.
I resisted going to VA for care for a long time. I did not understand consciously until the other day the reason why. I was agreeing with my rather brutal self critic. Not the wisest thing to do.
These reasons don't fly in the world of practicalities. They are reasons of the soul.
When I brought this up to a VA counselor, he had this to say to me:
"Did you or did you not sign up of your own free will to, if so ordered by competent command authority, offer any service or sacrifice in defense of the Constitution of the United States of America? That you were never called to actually confront an enemy is not relevant. You were there, in uniform, ready to do so! Unlike most of your or my generation, we served. Those who do not serve sometimes seem to take freedom for granted. You and I did not. You made the effort to pay for it, took a soldier's chance. In short, every other American is indebted to us for our service, and your care is how that debt of honor is paid in full. Stop telling yourself you do not belong there and get the care you need."
After I presented my Form DD214N, documenting my service, I was welcomed and treated with the same dignity and professionalism as the visibly wounded warriors. In some ways the standard of care is much higher here.
I do not want any reader to get the impression that I was in any way dissatisfied with the care I received at Kaiser. Quite the contrary. Kaiser kept me alive for a long time. It's a matter of coverage.
So now every visit to the doctor is something extra. It is a visit to a Hall of Heroes, among brethren and sistren.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Musical Interlude . . .
This song sums up the first half of this last week. Sara Rameriz's version -- from Gray's Anatomy's musical event episode -- is far superior to the original artist IMHO. Even with the GA cut scenes in there.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Republicans . . .
What a great choice you have!
- Corporate tool, Gov. Dog On Car (Willard Romney)
- Ethically challenged pseudo-intellectual (Newt)
- Neo-Confederate racist who wants to lead America forward into the 19th century (Paul).
- Moral scold, Senator Man on Dog (Santorum)
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