I know.

 For all of you romantics out there . . . who know with transcendental certainty, that your soul's mate is out there. For me, as well . . . as I search for a better relationship with the guy in my mirror. I know I'm out there, somewhere, somewhere, somewhere.

Coda

What is now ended has been ended amicably and well.

There is sadness. . . and hope.

I look forward to the day when I can meet her again as "just" a friend.

Today was not "goodbye forever" -- it was "see you later." Too many good memories for anything else.

Thank you one and all.

Not so Daily Bloggery 2009-05-22: Withdrawls

The Daily Bloggery has ended for a time and will resume in a time.

This is not the time or place to emote.

Physically, I'm doing good, My leg wounds are healing well, thanks to the heroic efforts of two awesome nurses (is there any other kind?) at Kaiser and a terrific doctor. Holly and Yolanda exemplify the compassion of their profession in treating the Whole Person™ -- and Dr. Dao is a fount of great advice and ideas. Down almost 40 healthy pounds in 5 months.

Mentally, I'm facing depressive episodes and more. I've been leaning on my support network and getting help and good advice. All of you have come through: Kajir, HiB, Michelle, Katie, and Karen.

I'm looking forward to a good weekend.

Finally: for Gwenny.

Daily Bloggery 2009-04-11: FOR THE HORDE!

I think I'll start this slow Saturday morning edition of "WTF's RichO Up To?" with last night's WoWing with Gwenny.

Last night was almost all PvP. We fought in two Wintergrasp PvP battles, won one and lost one (we almost always lose when defending it). These battles hand out massive amounts of honor points, which can be used as currency to buy decent PvP gear and gems. We lost the one battleground we fought in, then ran a huge raid in on the Alliance and took out their very heavily guarded NPC faction leaders in their capital cities. Not just "took out" the leaders -- we PWNED them. The throne room in Stormwind looked like Orgrimmar on a party night. That bit of PvP action won me the in-game Achievement FOR THE HORDE! and a Reins of the Black War Bear mount. Now my lone epic raptor mount isn't so lonesome anymore. We ended the evening by taking down Utgarde Pinnacle on Heroic mode. UP is one of the hardest of the heroic dungeons because one boss in there is a big challenge. Therein I scored Sovereign"s Belt off of King Ymon. I have one Green item left, rest are heroic blues or epic purples. Another week or two of this and I will be well and truly "geared" for VoA, Naxx and OS (Vault of Archeron, Naxxaramas and Obsidian Sanctum, three raid instances).

Health: SGLs are solid green 90-120 mg/dl. The smallish wound on my left leg is completelly healed, as is one of the two on my right. Drainage is way way down. I'm walking more, and next weekend, Gwenny and I are going to take a long walk for coffee, breakfast and maybe a bit of magick on Sunday morning.

Social.net: Serenity game @ Michelle's tomorrow, and D&D / Miresseia the weekend of the 26th, probably at Chez Iz. Next weekend and 5/2 are trips to Gwenny's, the lattere capped by a visit to my daughter in Berkeley. In both

Gwenny: This lady continues to delight and excite me. And on a slow Saturday, a "Reasons I Love Her" double-header. Reason 30-something I love her: I really appreciate the relative lack of drama in our relationship. In one particular prior of mine, intense drama had already began in earnest by the time we had reached this stage of the relationship. We may have WoW guild drama (and plenty of that, to be sure!), family drama, work dramas, etc. . . but between just us, minimal drama. Reason 30-something+1 is that she does not expect, demand, request or require that I freeze my old friends out of my life in favor of focussing on her. This was a major bone of contention in one of my priors. In fact, she encourages me to maintain my old connections.
Now my friends have a reason to love her, too.

Daily Bloggery 2009-03-26: The Unbearable Rightness of Being (Gwenny and Me)

Health: SG still in low 100s (108) this morning and last night (111). Got some good walking in again, too. Feeling energetic, almost like a teenager.

Gwenny: This is the first long-distance relationship where I have given absolute priority to staying in very close touch with her. EVERY serious relationship I've ever been in -- both that resulted in marriages and my one non-marriage LTR-- have had a geographical distance issue at one time or another. Kate and I chatted often and epically, but our staying in touch was not done with the energy Gwenny and I are investing in this one. With Kate, our very first AIM session was a dusk-to-dawn marathon. Email also played a big role in communicating over the almost-year we were an item but not living in the same home. Amy did not have computer access and was happy with an occasional phone call. The long distance phase of my relationship with Karen was during my Navy days, so weekly phone calls were heavily supplemented with mailed letters. With teh Gwenny, it's chat almost all day at work, textual intercourse during my bus ride home and Ventrilio and WoW until bedtime. Not to mention supplementary love letters via email. From computer and iPod touch.
There is an unmistakable transcdental rightness to us. I cannot begin to describe it in words. It's been tried, and nobody else even comes close. All we need is real space validation. Two days.
*rant=ON*
Dataminers Gone Wild!
OK, so you're a middle aged guy on a social networking site. You sign up for an account. It's free. The business model of the site demands that they datamine the hell out of you and serve targeted ads based on the nuggets.
OK, I can grok that. I have no issues with advertising for a buck.
I have made it more than crystal clear, here and on Facebook, that I am in a relationship. A VERY GOOD one, actually. See the words "transcdental rightness" above. I am not looking for women my age, or college-age hotties.
Yet it seems that the datamining spiders are missing THAT for some damn reason.
*rant=OFF*

Daily Bloggery 2009-03-16

Health: SG levels still looking very good. Dressings were changed, wounds continue to improve.
Gwenny: We're getting into disclosing deeply personal matters now. The way we both think alike is almost scary at times. The one cardinal rule we have so far: Complete bidirectional disclosure of objective truth. That means more than just "don't lie." It means telling the complete, full truth, without coloring or slanting it. Reality may be a three-edged sword, as Babylon 5 said. We are looking for the middle blade. This means getting outside yourself. Feelings *just are* and need to be discussed in full, so long as they are labeled as such and not as fact. At times, in prior relationships, I felt as though I was doing a minuet in a minefield. We'd be dancing along fine then BOOM! I'd (it was always me) step on some hidden emotional land mine. An hours-long (sometimes) lecture would ensue, just to make sure that I never stomped on that one again. And, of course, every misstep went into your Permanent Record so you never forgot about them. Then again, at times, I'd say or do things without thinking that triggered a mine. With Gwenny, I never have that feeling. Not because I am a lot better at staying away from those signs marking the minefield, but because there are no mines.

Or they are full of confetti, not HE.

I had a dream...

...and it was wierd,

Ex#2 called me (in the dream) and invited me to come out to her place. I was about to categorically turn this invite down . . .

Her: "I have a guest coming you'd want to meet."

Me: "Nobody this side of Barack Obama could get me out to your place."

Her: "So when can I expect you?

Me: "YGTBSM"

Her: "If you don't believe me, check CNN"

I check CNN. Damned if she isn't right.

Right on schedule, the Obamas and the Secret Service roll into Pleasant Grove, followed by the media. Yes, he's making my ex's rather modest digs there his Western White House.

So I meet them in person. I ride a motor scooter with the girls and the oldest of Ex#2's sons. The youngest is allowed to hook his XBox into the President's satellite uplink for broadband internet access. Ex#2's mom takes the First Lady shopping in Roseville. I check out the Secret Service agents, communications gear and the various ironmongery deployed to protect the President. I get interviewed to within an inch of my life by CNN, et al. I tell Fox News to shove it.

Then I wake up.

Tis a very good day . . .

1. I found out yesterday that I'm gonna be a grampa in August. My daughter tells me that her pregnancy has been easy so far. Looks like I'll be taking time for a real vacation this summer . . . she'll be a good mom; of course their apartment may be a bit small for "baby makes three," Dertails, details.

2. Barack Obama is inaugurated as the 44th POTUS tomorrow.



----------------
Listening to: R.E.M. - Walk Unafraid (Live)
via FoxyTunes

Un. Be. FSCKING-Lievable!

Hillary Clinton, today, about why she's staying in the running despite her being virtually mathematically eliminated from nomination contention:

Responding to a question from the Sioux Falls Argus Leader editorial board about calls for her to drop out of the race, she said: "My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. You know I just, I don't understand it," she said, dismissing the idea of abandoning the race.

This remark is utterly beyond the pale. Yes, Bill Clinton didin't wrap up the nomination till June, but back then we didn't have the front-loaded system we have today. I almost read this as an idle wish that her rival -- Barack Obama -- were to be assassinated to clear her way to the nomination!

Consider this: Senator Obama and his family have been subjected to death threats since he announced his candidacy over a year ago. Not to mention this: Inspirational American political leaders have all too often been the targets of assassins the last fifty or so years. Given the groundbreaking nature of his candidacy and the fact that too many people have too much to lose if Obama is elected, I'm not very surprised at the talk. Eight years ago, when Colin Powell was considering a run for the Presidency, the racists in my family said that "He dropped out because he's be shot like a dog for being black if he dared run."

Hell, a few months ago, when Ex#2 served me my divorce papers, I asked her who she supported. "Obama, of course. But I think he'll get assassinated."

Nonetheless, it's nothing short of reprehensible of HRC to even go there.

Kids, this shit has to stop, NOW!

Time to put on your magickal thinking hats. No, not the one with the stinky fish entrails. When you think about something, you feed it's thought-form. When you feed a thought-form enough energy, you make it real and give it impact in the world. How many thought-forms are dining on the thought-energy of the thousands of people out there this subtle but toxic meme is evoking?

Here's the counter: visualize Barack Obama taking the oath of office next January 20. Visualize him shielded from harm by the good wishes and the hopes of the millions who will have cast their ballots for the change he represents. Let THAT thought-energy protect and preserve him. Ask the God/s you reverence to ward him from the ill-actions of others.

And most of all, admonish Hillary for her ill-chosen words.

Cheers and Jeers: O:M edition

So sue me, Bill in Portland Maine, over on Daily Kos. Remember who writes your performance reviews . . .

1. Cheers to Blizzard Entertainment. WoW patch 2.4 is out; Blizz dedicated it to the late, great Gary Gygax. Without EGG, WoW and Diablo would not exist. This patch is nowhere as massive in impact as 2.3 was; at least they fixed several annoyances.

1a. Jeers to breaking my damned UI mods, as usual. I guess you can't make an omlet without breaking UI mods . . . bastards.

2. Cheers to Seanan McGuire. Her Bardic Blondeness is coming to town this weekend. I haven't seen her in more than a decade, and I'm looking forward to paying my respects in person to one of my favorite multi-talented artists. She should be your favorite too. Check out her LJ, website and music for reasons why.

3. Cheers to over a century of fearless journalism. My new favorite political magazine is The Nation. I've been on their mailing list since forever, when ex#2 and I used to subscribe to the dead-tree edition of this august journal of liberal opinion. These guys have been around since the 1860s fighting for the abolition of slavery and continue to cover Stuff That Matters (sorry, Slashdot) like elections campaigns and ongoing corruption without accepting a single dime of corporate money.

4. Cheers to filkerTom-foolery: I thought I was hallucinating when I read that Tom Smith, aka the world's fastest filker, is going to be part of the entertainment for Eschacon'08, the lefty blogger con organized by the influential Atrios in Philadelphia this weekend. I'd love to see his set list for his performance . . . .

5. Jeers to sports memes as workplace motivation. Every company seekd competitive advantage through incentivizing its workforce through a variety of means. I have no problems with most of the ways Management motivate us worker bees. I don't even mind those STUPID motivation posters. However, few things this side of the Veil-between-Worlds piss me off more than big time sports. I was raised in a sports-saturated household. There was always sports on TV or the damned radio, and to hell with me if I wanted to watch something mind-streching like Star Trek or listen to music. To this day, I cannot stand sports or TV. This time, it's March Madness, the 63-game marathon men's college basketball tournament. Pick one of the 64 teams (preferably one that stands a chance of winning) as an identity and rank those corporate metrics against them. Frankly, I couldn't care less weather Gonzanga (sounds a stripper's stage name) or UConn or Louisville wins the damned thing. Please. Make Them Stop!

6. Cheers to the Nurses of Kaiser South Sacramento. My wound care issues brings me in contact with a lot of nurses. When I moved south last year I figured I'd have to move my care (which I did) and I worried about continuity and quality of care. Pam, Connie and Valarie, the triumvirate that change the dressings and track the progress of my wounds throughly impress me.

I hate payday loans

Yesterday I proclaimed my appreciation for Sacramento RT and Elk Grove e-Tran. Today's bit of bloggery has to do with an industry that should, even in a free market, be run out of town like criminals. And, sadly, one I became all too familiar with during the first part of this decade.

Back when I was a kid, usury laws were on the books that forbade the loaning of money at massive rates of interest. People with wealth and property could always secure loans with collateral from federally regulated banks. Folks lacking these resources turned to "the bank of Guido and Luigi," the local shady operators, often a Family operation, who substituted the threat of pain or worse for more tangible resources and charged enormous rates of interest. Well, laws have changed and the collection specialists (legbreakers) are something of a thing of the past. Now anyone with a fixed address, a steady income and a startling lack of financial sense can score for themselves a "payday loan" from one of 22,000 such bloodsucker locations scattered across the fruited plain.

Payday loans are like the Dark Side of the Force in Star Wars: " . . . once you start down the Dark Path, forever will it guide your destiny . . ." "Easy" money is soooo seductive, a quick way out of a jam that carries a tremendous cost of its own. How well I know because a few years ago, my paydays were little more than covering last pay period's payday loans and re-writing new ones . . . then taking the cash, minus a couple hundred in fees, to pay the bills.

I admit it, I knew better. I could read the disclosure statements and I winced at the 300% - plus APR interest rates. I wish in retrospect I could have learned to say NO to these loans. I'm owning up to my own weakness, accepting my share of the blame. I've completely eschewed them and stayed that way for almost two years.

It seems that the industry now has a trade association. Go figure.

Install / Restore fest, Dreams, and Music, 2007 version

Got up this morning to the sounds of screaming sore legs and to the sounds of a screaming psyche. The legs I am keeping elevated per doctor's orders. The screaming psyche is the result of a bizarre dream I had last night. Apparently someone had hacked a World of Warcraft server -- the one where I often have 1st person dreams of being a WoW character. Anyway, I was being chased across Elwynn Forest by some kind of Nazi Troll Shaman (I am a human in this dream, not a blood elf as usual). I was getting seriously ganked, corpse-camped (kind of like my days on Maelstrom) and graveyard-camped by this guy. The next scene had me out of WoW and on a German Ford Tri-motor transport plane (like the one in one of the Indiana Jones movies). I was in POW garb, and this same troll from the game was sitting behind me, all decked out in his Waffen-SS uniform. The leggy blonde Aryan goddess-stewardess brings me a huge cup of hot coffee to drink while this troll keeps taunting me from behind about how he pwned me like Hitler pwned Poland back in '39. I turned around in my seat and spilled the entire liter-plus of steaming hot coffee all over his nice oberstrunfurther's uniform. The next thing I remember I was learning of the joys of free-fall from 10k feet, sans parachute . . .

I have a very long list of must-install software for this MacBook. Almost all of it is work-related. I am refusing to reinstall install WoW or any other game or RPG app until the work-related software I can install at home is installed (some of the proggies I need to put on this machine can only be done at work).

To wit:
All OS X updates done,
X.11 (needed for OpenOffice, not part of standard OS X installation) installed
OpenOffice 2.x installed
BootCamp Assistant installed (in case I have to nondestructively undo the Windows partition)
iTunes library AND playlists restored to iTunes; iPod content restored
Firefox 2.0.2 installed and updated, bookmarks restored
Flash Player for Intel Macs installed
AirPort Utility installed and tested
Gutenprint (gimp-print 5.0.0 print drivers for Epson printer w/o OEM drivers) installed and tested
Stuffit Expander (needed for other installs, think "Winzip for Macs") is installed and tested
Palm Desktop is installed and iSync Palm Syncing is activated. Palm user restored
Old contacts, calanders, etc synced to iCal and Address Book via .Mac
Flip4Mac (successor to Windows Media Player for OS X) installed.

Yesterday I mentioned Seanan McGuire's new album of filk awesomeness, Stars Fall Home. Oh. My. Fscking. GAWDS. I've known Seanan since the start of the worst year of my life (1995) I'd just moved to Lodi after spending almost 2 decades in Sacramento to move closer to a job I was to hold for only a few months and away from my then-best-friend, who had less than six months to live (neither of which I knew at that time). One night while perusing a used bookstore I met Seanan, who flounced into said bookstore, saw I was looking at science fiction and immediately proposed marriage to me. Being a red-blooded male, I accepted . . . as did the small platoon of other fiancees she was going to marry at the World Science Fiction Convention that year. My kind of wierdo! Right after that I met Michelle, who was working at the Pizza Hut across the street. Hard to not like this creative, insane wonderful young lady . . . and in the twelve years since she has grown into a wonderful singer, songwriter and (Real Soon Now, I hope) novelist of staggering awesomeness.
Summer 1995 was the Absolute Worst Summer of My Life. I lost both a decent job and a the aforementioned best friend in the span of a month. Combined with my sudden withdrawal from the SCA, I was more depressed than Weimar Germany's economy in the 1920s. What relieved the strain and kept me from ending it all was Michelle's constant stream of books and the sheer joy of Seanan.

1995 finally ended; I got through it and over it, finding myself in the process. Seanan went on to grow up into an accomplished young woman. Last year Seanan released her first album, Pretty Little Dead Girl. PLDG is a live recording of her Guest of Honor concert at the 2005 Ohio Valley Filk Festival; it got me through my hospitalization last year (Thanks again, Michelle . . .). SFH is her first studio recording (as far as I can tell) and it is AWESOME. Some of the tunes appeared on PLDG, but the new stuff . . . "Evil Laugh" is very nicely upbeat, reminds me of "Maybe it's Crazy" from PLDG . . . and I defy you to not weep when you hear "Still Catch the Tide." I cried when I read the lyrics; Seanan's voice wrung at least twice as many tears from me with the same words. You see, not too long ago, under similar circumstances, a woman I once loved spoke words like those to me . . .

Anyway, SFH is great. Get it. OK?

The Mac....is BACK! (some assembly required)

Got my better-than-ever, new topcase/heatsink/combo drive MB back this evening.

Since the Mac Genius wiped the OS X partition as I knew he would need to, it was up to me to install OS X. Fortunately, this is not rocket science.

Unfortunately, after I installed the drivers for my Bluetooth Mighty Mouse, the beast starting kernel panicking once again. And, it would KP right after POST. The machine would boot into safe boot just fine, and the damned BT mouse would work fine.

Of course, Windows XP on the BootCamp partition loaded fine. This ruled out hardware

Strange.

I nuked the poor OS X partition from orbit...only way to be sure. The second install is less problematic. I refrained from loading the Mighty Mouse drivers and focused on updating OS X and the iApps (mouse still works fine, but without the granular control you get from the Mighty Mouse software . . .). Current theory is that OS X needed to be updated to 10.4.7 (system shipped with 10.4.6) before wireless mouse software install, since back last year I'd updated to 10.4.7 or so before getting the Bluetooth mouse.

As of this writing I am updating OS X to 10.4.9 with all the bells and whistles; including iTunes 7.2. Stars Fall Home is already ripped . . . I cannot wait any longer to hear Seanan sing "Still Catch the Tide." Nor should you.

Firefox is reinstalled now; next big reinstall is WoW. Email works fine now (thank the GODS for IMAP!).

Back To What Passes For "Normal"

Leading off with some meta-bits:

I am proud to welcome the unique voice of my oldest friend Downstrike to my blogroll. I've known him since our first day of kindergarten at ol' H-R. Our lives have taken a great many turns since then. Thanks to an alert ex-wife #1 and classmates.com, we found each other on the Innerweb. Check out his bloggity goodness here and here.

I also added Catnip and Fionn, aka Michelle and David, to the roll.

SotR: It feels like I'm past the worst of the tummy bug that had me in its evil grip. I actually feel like eating again. I hope this does not hose my weigh-in on Wednesday.

I spent much of the time ill finishing Storm Front
I'm not a big mystery fan, despite an addiction to juvenile mysteries like Nancy Drew / Hardy Boys books when I was seven or so. I dropped mysteries when I found Heinlein and Doc Smith's sci-fi, the science and military history on the shelves in the school library. As for fantasy, I did not read anything remotely fantastic until I started playing D&D in the Navy; Tolkien, the Pern series, Kurtz' Deryniverse and Robert E. Howard's Conan.
Then Iz turned me on to Jim Butcher's series The Dresden Files.
The best way to think of this series is "Harry Potter meets Sam Spade."
All I'm going to say is "if you like either hardboiled detective fiction or modern fantasy, you'll probably like Storm Front."

"I'd rather meet Harry Dresden than Harry Potter"

Now she tells me.

Jim Butcher's wizard-as-detective show The Dresden Files is also a series on Sci-Fi Network.

Something you who read this may or may not know about me: I hate television. I do not own a television, and have not purchased one since my first ex and I bought one (over my vehement protests) in 1984, said set going to teevee heaven in 2001 when said set just would not do for ex #2.

Of course, this means that over the years I've missed missed some really good shows -- one of them being Babylon 5, which is to epic space opera science fiction on TV as The New Yorker magazine was to popular magazines in the 60s, 70s and 80s -- "The best magazine that ever was, or ever will be." Bab5 was incredibly satisfying to me: part military campaign, part political thriller, part conspiracy theory, and all well-written, well-acted human drama. I eventually caught the entire series on DVD, watched the whole story from beginning to end, as it was meant to be watched. Another I missed when it originally aired was Firefly, a series that is every bit as downright awesome as Babylon 5. As with Bab5, I caught Firefly on DVD.

Now along comes The Dresden Files. The mage as detective bit goes back at least as far as the late Randall Garrett's Lord Darcry stories (which are terriffic reads). I'm still reading Storm Front, and it's terriffic. I'd love to see Harry Dresden on the big screen someday.

But even then, I'm not buying a teevee set. Not as long as my computer has a DVD drive!

Item number 27 on my list of reasons Iz Rocks: Harry Dresden.

OK, this is interesting . . .

The Norn spread is used to plot the crucial elements of past, present, and future, and to reveal the evolution of the situation through the arc of time. Ice Runes are most commonly used for questions about struggle, conflict, and achievement.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Wunjo is the rune of joy. The reversal of this rune suggests that joy is withheld. Since joy is frequently communal, this rune often suggests loneliness. Alternatively, some have seen Wunjo as the rune of perfection and the rune of the gods. Therefore this rune reversed could signal a feeling of separation from one's deity, or as imperfection in an important work.

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Laguz is the rune representing water. Laguz is a strongly feminine rune, and like the ocean contains much power of an uncontrollable nature. Here the rune is seen in the reversed, symbolic of the ebbing tide. This may suggest power being drawn away, or may perhaps the start of a journey. Since this is a rune of sexual power, the reversal can also suggest sexual problems or dissatisfaction.

The right rune represents the critical element of the future. Tyr is the symbol of the warrior. This rune most represents masculine force and potency, and frequently victory in battle. Beware though, for this rune represents directly the Norse god whose name it bears - Tyr stands out in legend for having sacrificed his hand that he might bind Fenrir, a monstrous wolf that threatens to swallow the world. As such, this rune is known to portend a great victory that can be bought with a terrible sacrifice. Tyr is also the god of law, frequently placed in such position above Odin. In this aspect, protection of justice may be had by this rune. Interesting pull. Very interesting indeed. Now, I don't usually read my runes as reversed / merkstave, but here the variant positions make sense. I freely admit the joy I feel in life has been diminished, especially since I've gotten so effing overweight. There have been times the last couple of months where I hurt so very much thsat I was tempted to put an end to it all; fortunately, my social support system -- family by choice like M&D and Iz, my gaming groups, even WoW -- is first rate. There are things I want to do, and things I need to do . . . and being o'weight prevents them from happening. Thus, dimished joy. Further, even the bit about "Therefore this rune reversed could signal a feeling of separation from one's deity" makes sense; the Gods want us to be happy (as the Charge says: " . . . let there be reverance and mirth . . ."), and with too damn much of my personal power tied up in my personal accumulation of suet, I sometimes feel as if I'm letting the Lady down being this way. As I ponder the second rune, I'm blinking away tears. Again, the reverse of this rune makes sense. This song, to be released by a friend of mine on her new album, adds some emotional context. Twice in just over two yesrs, I've gone back to sea, "caught the tide" to leave something which was comfortable and return to that I have always been. The first departure was from someone who echoed this woman's feelings in the song. The second departure is from the "comfortable" lifestyle of free-range eating that was killing me, and may still kill me . . . if I don't hurry and catch the tide. I'm beginning another journey . . . The third rune, the future, is the rune of He Who is my Norse patron. Tyr speaks to my self image as a warrior. The rune itself tells me that there will be a victorious struggle in the future, one that will mean pain and sacrifice on my part. Tyr tells me that the pain is worth the sacrifice. My sacrifice? A lifetime's worth of comfortable but ultimately highly problematic attitude about food and exercise.

The weigh-in manefesto

Yesterday, I joined WeightWatchers.

It's past time for me to get busy losing weight and keeping it under control. I no longer can put up with the way I currently feel, and if this keeps up, I'll more than likely be dead before I am 55, or maybe 50.

This isn't about maximizing any sort of "chick-magnet" physical assets (something my first ex did after separating with me was to lose 100lbs to maximize her physical appeal -- her plan worked), or "getting back" with ex #2, or proving anyone wrong about me or my capacity to change, or even wearing more stylish clothes. I'm not actively looking for another love (my Femseek(tm) sesnors are entirely on passive mode atm, but if Ms. Absolutely Right suddenly crossed my bow, it's going to be "Fool Speed Ahead!" aboard USS RichO) and I am not about teh stylin clothes. It's about survival past middle age. It's about living long enough to be there if my daughter and her husband one day decide to become parents. It's about being there for my Godsdaughter as well. It's about having my personal energy not bound up in a glacis of fat anymore.

I am doing this for one person and only one person.
Not for Catnyp.
Not for my daughter.
Not for ex#2.
Not for any other friend, enemy, job, cause, ideology, or faith.
I'm doing it for me.

I was shocked when I got the news of my starting point: 471 lbs. I should not have been.

Fortuntely, like life itself, WW isn't about where you start the process, it's about the transformative physical journey, making changes of thought and habit that are for me about about three decades overdue.

Fortunately, I have help in working the plan, someone who has lost 100 lbs on WW and knows how to work the plan.

Weight control is going to be a, uhm, big part my life . . . but only a part of it. I'm not going to turn this into a weight loss-only blog, writing about my every meal choice in soul-rending detail. That's a form of imbalance I'm not going to embrace right now. I'll post progress reports every weigh-in and any blinding insights I get while working the plan.

Goals are important. WW says shoot for 10% of starting weight (for me, 424). Personally, I think I should shoot to get below 399, say 350. Good health guidelines like Body Mass Index put me around 200 as a good healthy weight. I was last at under 200 back when I was in uniform. I'll lose till I feel good and healthy, then work on maintaining it.

And, to incentivize myself . . . FABULOUS PRIZES!! At the 10% loss point, I'm getting myself a Bluetooth cell phone, prolly a RAZR or maybe a Treo. To mark every 5 lbs of incremental loss, I'm buying myself some kind of gamer thing, a supplement or a book off my Amazon.com Wish List.

"Food is nourishment, not a reward, psychological first-aid, social lubricant or idle pastime."

Brad Delp, RIP

Whodat?

Brad was lead singer of my favorite 70s band, Boston. I had their first two albums on 8-track tape as a teenager, and today I have them in an honored playlist in iTunes.

Thanks, Brad, for putting voice to the words and music that helped me get through Navy boot camp, way back when

Thanks also for the song that got me through my first divorce

This one too.