How is VA a sacred space? Think of a Valhalla for the living, a place for the brave who faced our nation's enemies in war and emerged alive, if even barely. Or, in a twist on a historical model, a Hospitaller order like the Knights of Malta, founded for the knights of the realm instead of by them.
While every hospital carries an aura of sanctity to my eyes because the art of Healing is beloved of Goddess, there is something else entirely in the air at VA. And that something made me uneasy.
The root of my unease lies in my life story. My military service was a very brief peacetime stint. I left the service under honorable but involuntary conditions, a medical discharge for inability to control my weight. I emerged from that service with limbs and mind more or less intact. I gave my oath -- as every serviceman does --and kept that oath.
However, did I truly give enough to earn a place in this hall of heroes? Do I profane this hallowed ground by claiming a place here even when "the rules" say I am really a member of the lodge?
These are the kinds of questions a man asks himself in the dark hours, when it's just him and his soul, one on one. Nowhere to run, Ego. Id, nowhere to hide. Bald, naked no holds barred self-honesty. Not a thirst for martyrdom, not at all. Not me beating myself up for the sheer joys of habitual self abuse. I can be self-honest without self loathing.
Can I go there for care and still live up to the man I'd like to think I am? Can I walk among my fellow vets without feeling like a poseur?
The answers cannot merely be practicalities like "Dude, you need the care, you qualify and it is there!"
How DARE you take resources away from those vets who suffered and bled for America when you did not?
Like I said, brutal self-examination. My self critic was on a bit of a roll.
I resisted going to VA for care for a long time. I did not understand consciously until the other day the reason why. I was agreeing with my rather brutal self critic. Not the wisest thing to do.
These reasons don't fly in the world of practicalities. They are reasons of the soul.
When I brought this up to a VA counselor, he had this to say to me:
"Did you or did you not sign up of your own free will to, if so ordered by competent command authority, offer any service or sacrifice in defense of the Constitution of the United States of America? That you were never called to actually confront an enemy is not relevant. You were there, in uniform, ready to do so! Unlike most of your or my generation, we served. Those who do not serve sometimes seem to take freedom for granted. You and I did not. You made the effort to pay for it, took a soldier's chance. In short, every other American is indebted to us for our service, and your care is how that debt of honor is paid in full. Stop telling yourself you do not belong there and get the care you need."
After I presented my Form DD214N, documenting my service, I was welcomed and treated with the same dignity and professionalism as the visibly wounded warriors. In some ways the standard of care is much higher here.
I do not want any reader to get the impression that I was in any way dissatisfied with the care I received at Kaiser. Quite the contrary. Kaiser kept me alive for a long time. It's a matter of coverage.
So now every visit to the doctor is something extra. It is a visit to a Hall of Heroes, among brethren and sistren.
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