Healing Means Feeling

Things are starting to get better for me.

1. I am blessed to live in a community with one of the top VA healthcare facilities in the US. For that reason above any other, I am staying in Fresno for the foreseeable future. I have experienced discontinuity of care in the past, and moving out of Fresno at this time would compromise my healthcare. I cannot afford that.

2. I am starting to turn the corner emotionally. I got a lot of help from my friends. Even my former has been helpful. We remain friends; it's awkward at times and she is doing her best to help me. I will always love her, because love never dies unless it is killed. It simply changes in form. I've also gotten professional help -- medications and CBT. While my turnaround seemed to commence within a day of starting on medication, it is well known that psych drugs can take time to work.

Something else changed at about the same time. I started reading a great website called Tinybuddah. Not only that, I started taking the advice seriously and applying it. I've disinvested in my pain. I still feel it, because in order to get rid of any emotion, you have to feel it in full. Holding it all in lets it build to the point of explosion, which was what I was doing so wrongly for so long. However, I do not hold onto it anymore. I let it go as quickly as I can and immediately refocus in something outside myself. Second, I'm living in the moment. I cannot worry about the future beyond what is in front of me right now and I cannot live in the past, no matter how much I might want to bring it back.

More when I am not feeling so poorly physically.